So, this was previously a note on Facebook that I feel the need to re-iterate for my own good. What is it about parenting that makes everyone feel the need to share their opinion? You don't walk up to someone and say "Excuse me, let's discuss the outfit you're wearing" or go knock on someone's door and say "You should really plant your flowers like this". It's considered rude and it's just not done. So why is it acceptable to say to someone "You shouldn't let him sleep in bed with you" or "You know that's only for your own benefit, right?". If I wanted your opinion on sleeping arrangements, I would gladly ask for it. If you want to agree with me or offer support or kind words of encouragement, go for it. And you're welcome to disagree with me and I completely respect your right to parent in your own way (as long as you're not abusing your child). But, don't pretend like you're all knowing and tell me how to parent my child.
On to the note:
I am beginning the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley generously loaned to me by Melissa Newkirk. Thanks Melissa! Before becoming a mommy, I was all for letting a child cry themselves to sleep. "It doesn't hurt them", "It works quickly and is best for everyone"... these were just a few of my thoughts. As I learn more about attachment, infant mental health and my own child, I have changed my thinking 180 degrees. I have to share my thoughts on this so that all parents will at least consider their options and realize that you DON'T have to resort to the "Cry it out" method. If you are well informed and you still think this is the best solution for your family, then have at it. No one's going to stop you and I won't judge you. Every parent has to do what feels right to them. These are my thoughts on the whole thing...
Your child has no words (or perhaps a few), and uses crying as their main form of communication. A few excerpts from the book:
1) From the author trying the cry-it-out method: "[I checked on her often], but each return visit struck me with my precious baby holding out her arms, desperately and helplessly crying "Mama!" with a look of terror and confusion on her tiny face. And sobbing."
2) From Dr. Paul M. Fleiss and Frederick Hodges in the book Sweet Dreams: "Babies and young children are emotional rather than rational creatures. A child cannot comprehend why you are ignoring his cries for help. Ignoring your baby's cries, even with the best of intentions, may lead him to feel that he has been abandoned."
3) From Kate Allison Granju in the book Attachment Parenting: "Babies are people, extremely helpless, vulnerable and dependent people. You know what it feels like to cry in fear or distress. It feels terrible. And it's no different for your baby."
And the worst. Perhaps a bit dramatic at the beginning, but very real emotions for an little one.
4) From Jean Liedloff in The Continuum Concept: " He awakens in a mindless terror of the silence, the motionless. He screams. He is afire from head to foot with want, with desire, with intolerable impatience. He gasps for breath and screams until his head is filled and throbbing with the sound. He screams until his chest aches, until his throat is sore. He can bear the pain no more and his sobs weaken and subside. He listens. He opens and closes his fists. He rolls his head from side to side. Nothing helps. It is unbearable. He begins to cry again, but it is too much for his strained throat; he soon stops. He waves his hands and kicks his feet. He stops, able to suffer, unable to think, unable to hope. He listens. Then he falls asleep again."
That one literally makes me cry and rips my heart open. Call me a sap, call me overly emotional, whatever. Your child is crying to communicate a need. He wants your company. He wants to hear your voice and smell your "mommy smell" and feel your arms holding him. He craves you and your presence. He needs you. You're his mommy.
If we let our children cry all alone in their room, we are teaching them that their voice doesn't matter, that they don't have feelings, that we don't care if they are scared or want company. The argument is that children learn from a very young age how to manipulate their parents and get what they want. Umm... yeah. That's how they get their needs and wants met. Do you really want to sleep in a dark room all alone? Do you ever get scared if you're home by yourself at night or think "What was that noise?". Everyone feels fear at some point in their life and you probably want to be comforted when you're scared. Children need to be taught self soothing skills in a loving manner.
This is what I strive to do. We have GOT to start getting some decent sleep in my house. But, I refuse to do something that makes my baby feel scared, alone or unimportant. My hope is that this book will provide me with loving solutions and that I can pass these on to anyone who will listen.
I NEVER would have thought I would be co-sleeping with my one year old.
NEVER, EVER!!! But, it's what feels right for me and my child and that's all that matters. It's so hard to stick to my own beliefs and proclaim them when society tells me what I'm doing is "wrong" or that I'm just "giving in". When I tell people that my child sleeps in bed with me, they all say "Oh, you really need to get him in his own bed NOW". No thanks. It's not weird. It's not taboo. In fact, America and parts of Europe are the only parts of the world that DON'T believe in things like co-sleeping and baby wearing. It used to be the practice that the whole family or at least all the children (and there were lots) slept in one big bed. It's only since America became more affluent that there are rooms for each child and everyone must sleep in their own space.
You don't have to like what I say or even read it. And most of you probably didn't make it this far. Kudos to you if you did!!! I need to write this for myself so that I can go back and read this and remember why I believe what I do. I need to use this to say "this is what I'm doing and I'm not ashamed". I am parenting MY way and it feels GREAT! *I think it's time for a blog of my own!*
Happy sleeping mommies! I hope to be reporting back fairly soon that Tate and I are making great strides towards better sleeping for us both.
Update: We are doing better with sleeping. Still falling asleep on me, but we're working on it. Still won't fall asleep for daddy. Ever. But we're working on it. I am able to put him to sleep and get up for several hours to do my own things. And I happen to love when my baby wakes up in the middle of the night, looks around and then crawls over to be closer to me. He's only little once and I am making the most of every single moment with him!
